Sha Gojyo, P I
by midnightpanther
Summary: Written in a somewhat "film noir" style. Only not so much with the noir - yet. Title is self-explanatory.
1. secretary

[ Sha Gojyo, P. I. ]  
  
disclaimer: Gensomaden Saiyuki belongs to Kazuya Minekura and some other people  
  
a/n: those "film noir" fics are a lot of fun to read so I decided to try my hand at it. Gojyo in a fedora anyone? *leer* hehehe. So anyway, I'm an amateur at this. the closest to a noir film i've ever watched was probably that one Roswell episode.  
So anyway, this isn't a serious project. It might be, if the creative juices decide to flow, but for now is a little ficlet... this is as close to a humor fic as i'll ever get, so tell me what you think..  
  
[Secretary]  
  
I was leaning in my chair, feet propped up on my desk. The summer was hot and sultry; it was an unpleasant, stifling invasion.  
  
First day on the job. I'd put out an ad for a secretary, but so far none had popped in for an interview. Sanzo said something about my wording of the ad, but what the hell does he know?  
  
-Sexy secretary needed. Reasonable pay. Fringe benefits offered.-  
  
What was wrong with that? Nothing, unless you're a monk or a saru. "Fringe benefits? Huh?" Jeez. You would think a teenage boy, of all people would get my meaning.  
  
So anyway, I'm sitting here in a dark and dingy office like some kind of hermit when I could be out banging some chick. I scowled. Damn Sanzo, going on about needing to get a job now that the whole "holy quest" thing was over. He actually had the gall to make a crack about me just sitting around smoking and drinking all day. And what does /he/ do all day?  
  
Fucking monk.  
  
I put my feet back on the ground and dug around the desk drawer for my cigarettes. The clock on the wall read 5:42. A few more hours, then secretary or no secretary, I was hitting the bars.  
  
I was trying to decide what kind of girl to bring home that night when the door flew open in a flurry of red. I gave a silent little cheer as the answer to my prayers stood in front of me. She wore 3-inch high fuck-me boots that ended at mid-calf. Damn nice legs that went on forever, until my eyes hit the sinfully short red leather dress. It clung at all the right places and left nothing to the imagination. I slowly made my way to her face, smirking around my cigarette. "You're hi-"  
  
I choked and coughed like I had a dust storm brewing in my throat. There had been a split second where I saw the similarity, and another before I recognized... her.  
  
"Hakkai?!" I spluttered, cigarette dropping from my lips.  
  
He- /she/ grinned through her pageboy haircut. "Well, you said you would only hire a female secretary... and I really need a job. You know how Sanzo can get..." He, no, dammit, /she/ said in a calm, reasonable voice.  
  
"Well, fuck, Hakkai," I said, glaring at him, "I didn't have /this/ in mind."  
  
"Fine," Hakkai said, pouting those cherry red lips... oh, NO, stop thinking. He continued, "All those spells, those rare, and might I say, expensive potions... All for nothing."  
  
I didn't say anything. I glared. I glowered. I glared some more.  
  
"Fine. I'll just be on my way now." He/she turned to leave.  
  
I growled in frustration, and shoved the desk over onto the ground. A satisfactory cloud of dust flew into the air. "Fine... since you went through so much trouble and all..." I sighed dejectedly. "The job's yours."  
  
Hakkai smiled, and swished out the door.  
  
"Just don't expect any of the fringe benefits," I yelled out behind him.  
  
I got up and went straight out the door. I got my secretary didn't I? Locking it behind me, I read, 'Sha Gojyo, Private Investigator' on the glass. What was I getting myself into?  
  
I needed a drink.  
  
  
  
- e n d - (for now)  
don't forget to review! thanks =) 


	2. too hot to handle

[ Sha Gojyo, P. I. ]  
  
a/n: i guess this part's an extended intro. and slightly pointless. *meep* I'll get to the plot in the next chapter... I /did/ plant a seed in here though. But will it grow or die?  
  
[ too hot to handle ]  
  
  
  
"Oh my god, I am so hot." I looked into the mirror and struck a pose. This private investigator business didn't seem so bad if I got to look like /this/.  
  
"I am /so/ abso- fucking -lutely hot."  
  
"Err, yes sir, that coat really fits you," the saleslady said, blushing. "I'll, um, ring this up for you then?"  
  
"Oh, yes..." I said, flashing her a grin from under the brim of the fedora. "I'll take the hat too."  
  
She nodded and took my purchases to the cash register. As she rung me up, she asked, "So, you a detective or something?"  
  
"Mm.. something like that," I said, looking down her shirt. Paying, I raised my eyes to meet her gaze. "Does that make you hot?"  
  
Her already flushed face went a deeper shade of red. Something sounding suspiciously like an "eep" escaped her cupid's bow mouth before she turned and stalked into the storeroom.  
  
I shrugged and grabbed my bag off the table.  
  
The midafternoon sun glared in my eyes as I stepped onto the sidewalk. I whistled a little tune as I made my way home. /I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my hat.../  
  
It was about ten minutes before I reached 'home'. For now, it was a shabby two-bedroom apartment. We'd moved into it only a week ago, and I couldn't wait to get enough money to move out. No way could I bring a girl home with those three as housemates. And with Goku as a roommate. Now, that was a path of kinky that made me shiver. In a bad way.  
  
So anyway, the moment I stepped into the room, Sanzo was all up in my face like a hurricane of smoke and gun powder.  
  
"What the fuck did you do to my gun?"  
  
I gulped. "Uh... What makes you think I did anything Sanzo?"  
  
"You're the only one stupid enough to go touching my stuff," he said.  
  
I scowled. He was right. Goku was too whipped, and Hakkai was just too nice. And he would have known how to use a gun.  
  
Speak of the devil.  
  
"Gojyo!" He... well, still a she called out with a smile. "You're still here so I'm not late right?"  
  
I didn't say anything. I stared. To say SHE was wearing a low-cut black dress was an understatement. It was a v-neck that dipped between her extremely voluptuous breasts, with a slanting hem that started somewhere below the hip and barely reached her knees. At the end of those legs were stilettos that were at /least/ three inches high.  
  
"Gojyo?" Hakkai asked, worriedly.  
  
Sanzo stomped away with a "hmph." All that skin showing probably started off one hell of a bloody nose. I almost burst out laughing, but I remembered who was standing in front of me. In fact, very close to me now. Too close.  
  
"Gojyo?" She repeated, leaning forward.  
  
I got a great big eyeful of those melons before I stepped away.  
  
"You're not going out in public like that are you?"  
  
"Of course I am," She said with a puzzled look in her eyes. "If what I'm wearing is the problem, I can change," she said. And made to shimmy out of the dress.  
  
I did a 180 that probably would have beat a record somewhere if someone had been there to prove it. I stalked into my room, yelling out, "Wear whatever you want!"  
  
Hakkai was getting so creepy. In fact, if you thought about it....  
  
I shivered. Didn't want to dwell on it.  
  
So I took a nice cold shower, and dressed myself in black slacks with an untucked grey dress shirt. Along with that went the brand-new trenchcoat and hat.  
  
Tall, dark, and mysterious. Just the look I was gunning for.  
  
I peeked out of my door cautiously. Hakkai was nowhere in sight, thank god. I strode over to Sanzo's room, hoping the bloodloss would have cooled his blood.  
  
I knocked. Barging in on him and Goku once had been one time too many.  
  
His blond head poked out. "What do you want?"  
  
"Can I come in?"  
  
He nodded and sighed.  
  
"Where's the monkey?" I asked, sitting in the desk chair.  
  
"Don't know, don't care," he answered.  
  
Weird. Hadn't seen Goku around in a while. I would have pried, but I needed Sanzo calm. Well, I'd settle for lightly fuming.  
  
A silence, then I spoke. "Err... Sorry about the gun."  
  
He just scowled in true Sanzo style, so I continued. "I was trying to put in more bullets, but then it was stuck, then I guess I forgot my strength, and yeah, I broke it."  
  
He blinked. I went on, "I'd, uh, pay you for the gun if I had money, but with the whole new job thing, it'll be a while before I actually have some, but I'll get it to you..." I trailed off. There had been a point to this...  
  
"Oh yeah," I said, before Sanzo could say anything. "I was curious about the gun because in this line of business, I'll probably need to have one, since the Shaku-jou is way too flashy for a low-profile investigator."  
  
Sanzo snorted in a strange show of mirth. "And you call that get-up 'low profile'?" He gestured with a hand.  
  
"What's wrong with what I'm wearing?"  
  
"You look like an idiot."   
  
I grumbled. This from a guy who wears black spandex.  
  
"Whatever," I said. "So about the gun...?"  
  
"Get your own. Don't worry about mine. Like an incompetent fool like you could even manage to break my gun." He whipped out the pistol, good as new. "Now get out."  
  
Argh. I didn't want his sissy little gun anyways.  
  
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end chapter two  
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whee! how was it? review! 


	3. client

[ Sha Gojyo, P. I. ]  
  
a/n: Sorry this took a while to get out. I don't know, my writing doesn't feel 100% these days. Please criticize...  
  
[ client ]  
When I arrived at the office, my shirt was unbuttoned, and the coat was slung over my shoulder. This getup was not meant for long walks in the hot L.A. sun.  
  
I stepped into the smoky room. The one small window was covered with blinds. Swiping at the wisps of smoke, I peered at Hakkai, who was sitting at a desk by the door.  
  
"Since when did you take up chain-smoking?"  
  
"Just now," he replied, pointing at the pack - /my/ pack of cigarettes on his desk.  
  
"Dammit, Hakkai," I said, "Do you know how much I'm regretting hiring you?"  
  
S(he) shrugged his/her slender shoulders.  
  
I rolled my eyes. "I never asked earlier... but that spell is NOT permanent right?"  
  
Hakkai grinned. "Why do you ask?"  
  
"To be blunt with you," I said, "You scare me."  
  
That grin grew wider, showing lines of perfect white teeth. "Mmhmm. And is that all the effect I have on you?"  
  
I glared at his calm demeanor. I swear...  
  
I turned around and plopped into my desk chair with as much dignity that I could muster. "Forget it Hakkai. You want to go on your little gender-confusion thing, fine, just don't drag me into it."  
  
I fumbled into my jacket pocket for a spare pack of cigarettes. Hakkai acted like he didn't hear a thing, and went on organising the papers on his desk. Hakuryu poked it's head out of the top drawer of his desk, and squeaked. Or whatever sound it is that midget dragons make.  
  
After a few minutes of peaceful smoking, Hakkai spoke up. "Your business cards came in just now, and the newspaper ad is in the newspaper as of this morning."  
  
I got up and looked at the cards, nodding my approval. "Thanks. You make a creepy tranvestite, but I can't argue that you're a good secretary."  
  
"Hmph," he said, and turned back to the papers.  
  
I returned to my desk, placing the little box of white card by the placard on my desk. Sha Gojyo, P. I.. Who'da thunk it?  
  
I admired it for a minute before going to my seat. I'd barely taken the first puff on my cigarette, before the door flew open.  
  
The silhoutte stood in the door for a second; tall, womanly curves, and a messy bob of hair. The fading sun shone behind her like some sort of holy light. She stepped into the room, and closed the door behind her. It closed off the sunlight, bringing her into view.  
  
"What can I do for you?" I asked, checking her out discretely. She was plain. Not heartbreakingly beautiful, but not hideous either. She had wavy brown hair, and had a decent face behind a pair of glasses. On her was a modest, pale green dress.  
  
She did seem kind of prissy though, the way she scrunched up her nose as if she didn't know what she was doing gracing this place with her presence.  
  
Hmph. /I/ was off saving the world from the revival of the most feared demon of all time just last year. What could /she/ say?  
  
I exhaled my annoyance in a cloud of smoke that made her cough and mutter something under her breath.  
  
I think I heard something like about "sexy idiots who smoke," but that could just be my hearing going. You know, up close she wasn't even that bad looking. Had all the right curves... Prissy and plain, but she was still a woman.  
  
"Excuse me?" She said, and I moved my gaze to her face.  
  
"Eh?"  
  
"Did you hear what I just said?"  
  
I smiled, turning on the charm. Uhh... "You need my help?"  
  
She harrumphed before speaking in a bored voice. "Yeah, genius."  
  
"Okay, okay," I said, and got up from my reclining position. "What's your name, cutie?"  
  
"Call me Hwan." 


	4. it's all about the money

Sha Gojyo, P. I. 

a/n: It's been a long time! I have recently gotten into the film noir/detective genre, and feel like an attempt to finish up this old thing. (It will be taking a darker tone however, because humor is /hard/ for me.) Throwing out this next chapter (written two years ago, but edited) to see if there's still anyone out there, because, wow, it's been TWO YEARS.

**it's all about the money**

"So... Hwan. You need my help."

"Damn it, yes. How many times do you have to repeat that? Why else would I come to you?"

That brought a laugh out of me. I winked at her, "Oh, I don't know..."

She gave an exasperated sigh. If she had feathers, she would have ruffled them. "Look, I'm not here to flirt with you. God knows why I haven't left your sorry ass in your pathetic excuse of an office and found one of the other 100s of detectives in this town." A pause, as she tilted her head, eyes full mocking. "Wait, I'm in a hurry and don't want to run around town looking for someone else. I need an investigator. You're an investigator. I have money. I take it you want money?"

She had spunk. I smiled, and toned down my natural instinct. "Yeah, and I got to say I don't come cheap, either."

She gave me a little sideways glance, as if unsure if I'd interlaced a crude comment into the sentence before replying. "Sure you don't. How's 40 dollars an hour, and I'll pay you a retainer of 200?"

I blinked, suddenly aware that I had no idea what the average amount an investigator should make. "Uh..." I said, glancing at Hakkai, who shrugged.

"That's fine," I said, hoping that I wasn't losing out on too much.

"Good," Hwan said, standing up. "I've got to go, I have work. Can I meet you after 6?"

"I won't be here," I said. "How about I buy you dinner somewhere?"

Surprisingly, she didn't argue, and we agreed on a place just down the block.

When she was out the door, I hummed to myself, fondling the nice pile of bills she'd paid me. Even if I was being ripped off, it wasn't bad for the first case. Not bad at all.

I could just imagine myself in a couple months, if business went well... rolling around in money like some millionaire with nothing better to do. Nice red sports car parked outside that would make all women fall at my feet. Not like they didn't already, mind you. I chuckled softly, envisioning me with my money and flaunting it in Sanzo's impoverished face.

Unfortunately, Hakkai had to go and pop my dream bubble like a virgin's cherry.

He cleared his throat like he had something stuck in it, asking, "Forty percent sounds reasonable as my salary, right?"

I scoffed. "Are you crazy? I'll be generous and give you Fifteen."

"Thirty."

"Twenty."

We settled on 25. I forked over two of the twenties and a ten from my wallet.

Then I sat there. Bored. I drummed my fingers on the desk. Until Hakkai looked up from writing and glared at me. "Look, the computers will get here tomorrow, so you can leave."

"Computers? We get computers?" I have to admit I didn't bother hiding the childish glee emanating from me. "Who exactly is funding this?"

"Sanzo."

I grumbled. "Okay, fine, as long as he doesn't expect me to pay him back."

Hakkai smiled, "Don't worry, Gojyo. He said that if this job managed to get us to move out, he'd be happy."

Scoffing, I answered. "Yeah, lucky he was that sad excuse for a monk, and getting a retirement program out of it. The rest of us do the grunt work, and all he does is mutter some nonsensical words from a piece of paper. /We/ saved the world too, dammit." I fumed. This was a sore spot for me, if you hadn't noticed.

"Come on, Gojyo, it's over. Just make the best of things, alright?"

"Whatever. Close up for me, yeah?"

Hakkai made a sound of agreement as I shrugged into my coat. As I walked out the door, he called out to me, "Computers for /solving cases/ Gojyo, not porn!"

end chapter four-  
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